“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Breaking news:
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.