I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My boss called in sick of me
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Still cracks me up
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.