“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.