Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer