*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Happy birthday to all the women
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.