Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Brother?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract