Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!