Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.