*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Hey I worked for it too!
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.