“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
channeling her this year
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
So the ex texted me
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.