Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
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I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Never let them know your next move 😂