Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
You Might Also Like
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.