BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
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Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.