your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.