At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet