Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?