Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
B
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.