Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what