When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.