It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
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Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
concern
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Woke up against my better judgment again
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.