Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch