if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
You Might Also Like
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
PLEASE READ
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.