Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
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Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
What the hell happened in there??
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*