*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
When someone says you are so lazy
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
WHO DID THIS?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.