Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*sewing*
A thread
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
kitchen magnet
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.