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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Bit chilly again tonight.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Otters see a butterfly.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I love the honesty
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born