I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
the world’s most popular steaming services
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even