restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I hate everything
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.