They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.