If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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If you need a laugh.. 😅
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?