A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
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The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
🍞🦆
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.