I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
worst…sale…ever