Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
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wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]