AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.