Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
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Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.