What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.