“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
You Might Also Like
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The Punning Dead.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”