boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.