Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.