One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.