They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
john wicks are toilet candles
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.