wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
You Might Also Like
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”