WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”