3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
This made me smile…
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.