…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*