I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Breaking news:
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake