*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names