I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.