That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.