Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Lmao
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊